my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
