ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
he was CRYING into my vagina
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
