goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Do you remember whose house we're in?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
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