I accidentally had phone sex last night
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
