All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
