we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
