i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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