I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
