Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
