I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
