Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
