My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
