I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
