i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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