He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
