she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
