I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
