Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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