No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
