Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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