Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
