i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
