k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Liz is crying about burritos again.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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