You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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