He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
