oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
