god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
