I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Randomize
