I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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