You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
tell me about the eggs
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
