Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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