I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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