She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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