Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
