Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
You made out with two different species that night
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
