The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
