Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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