An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
