i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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