Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
