my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
