I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
