she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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