Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
