Michael Bay diarrhea
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
