My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Randomize
