You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
