in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
My day in three words: secret purse cake
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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