I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
