I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
