I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
